too loud, too proud

Life would be so much easier if 1980’s pop stars were all robots and decided to stage a giant gladiatorial match in order to determine which one was truly deserving of being atop the pop charts. I think the prime matchup, the “A Card” if you will, would have been Tiffany versus Debbie Gibson. As if these two weren’t already at each others’ throat throughout the late 80’s, imagine if you will if both of them were in fact robots and were only assuming the young, nubile body of a blooming female in order to get achieve great fame and wealth. TIffany may in fact have been a probot. A probot, for those of you who do not know, is a portmanteau of “probe robot”, which comes from The Empire Strikes Back. Han and Chewie worked together to blast a probot on the cold, frozen plains of the planet Hoth. However they were too late and the Empire already knew they were there and they had to evacuate and the probot made a weird noise as it scanned and then it blew up fantastically into a bunch of pieces that were still on fire as they landed in the snow. The point is, Tiffany was actually one of these probots, although she was not sent by Darth Vader to find the Rebels. In fact, she was born much like any of us, out of a female’s womb and into the caring hands of a midwife, who suckled this young probot because her mother was unable to produce breastmilk at the sight of such a horrific mechanical being. Young Tiffany learned at an early age that she would have to morph into human form to fit in. One day at the shopping mall she came across a young teen who she found attractive enough to form her shape after. Of course, you couldn’t have two young teens running around who looked exactly the same, so probot Tiffany disposed of this young lady with a screech. Meanwhile, half way across the country, a meterorite streaked out of the sky and landed in a field. Out of this flaming rock strode Optimus Debgib, an mechanical being which proclaimed that “freedom was the right” of all sentient beings. Of course, it soon became clear to Optimus that this was hardly the way to break into the music business so she decided to modify her slogan to “pop music is the right of all youngsters”. By slightly changing her name to DEBbie GIBson, she could fit right in with all the other young white girls chasing their dreams in shopping malls and playing The Bangles and The Go-Go’s at excessive volumes. Screw you Bananarama you always sucked. Anyways, the point is these two were fated to butt heads; robotic, greasy, mechnical heads. I imagine that on December 31st, 1989 both met in a shocking and decisive fight. On the cusp of the 1990’s, and the instant coolness which followed, both girlbots removed their bedazzled denim and neon shirts and reverted to their respective robot and probot forms. No one who was there that day can clearly recall what happened next. It was so fast that if you dared blink much of the action passed you by. In the end, victory was sweet for neither. Having damaged each other destructively, both girlbots decided that the only way to survive would be to call a truce and in fact record a song together. That song has never been heard by human ears, as it is recorded in robot speed and is so fast that it is impossible to hear. And so ends the saga of probot versus robot